Yee hah! Time for another Writer’s Workshop!!
The Prompts:
1.) Your trip to the ER…spill it.
2.) “Why are American’s obsessed with weight? Why are we always fighting or complaining about what is natural for our bodies?”
3.) Describe one of your ‘God Moments’.
4.) List ten things you would say to ten different people in your life…if you had the hutzpah.
5.) Why is your kid in time out?
I’m taking the ‘trip to the ER’, and putting a different spin on it. As an Emergency Room nurse, I see a lot of crazy stuff ….. cat bite to the penis, laceration to the penis, drunk dude who cut off part of his finger after he was working with a table saw, etc. (these were all within the past 3 weeks!) I’ve come up with a brief list of behaviors that would make your stay in the ER a bit more pleasant ….. for you, as well as for the medical staff.
Top Ten Patient Behaviors Requested by Emergency Room Personnel:
10. Fly Solo
You are not Adrian Grenier, and you do not have an Entourage. There is no need to call Grandma, and all of your aunts and uncles. It would also be advisable to have someone else come and cover for the eight neighborhood children you are watching this day. Please limit your posse to one person only.
9. Write It Down, or Rx for Success
Go, make haste to your medicine cabinet. Write down all of the medication you are taking, along with dosages. If you are having difficulty, call your pharmacy. I feel sure that they can provide you with a printout of your most recent prescriptions they have filled. Of course, if you pharmacy shop, this may take a while. Once you have established a list, keep it in your wallet.
I do not have a PDR in my brain. When you tell me you take a ‘little white pill, you know, it’s for my blood pressure’, you might as well be telling me you take crack. Which brings me to my next entry ……
8. No, I’m Not Calling the Cops
When we ask you about illicit drug use, be honest. This includes the hydrocodone you filched/borrowed off your girlfriend. Urine drug tests give us answers pretty quickly, but there are some drugs that we need to know upfront, so that we know how to treat you. Oh, and if you’ve used drugs recently, you can bet you won’t be getting any narcotic pain meds.
By the way, we HAVE to call the police if you bring drugs in the building. Be smart.
7. Say It Again, Sam
Yes, you will have to tell multiple people why you are here — this does not mean we are idiots, it’s called ‘gathering a history’. I’m sorry you have to tell at least 3 people why you decided to visit the ER, but this is a part of our job.
6. Sorry, No Consolation Prizes
The minimal amount of supplies/equipment in each examination room is to help us take care of patients. These items are not parting gifts, or “just part of my bill”. Please, leave the alcohol pads, lubrication packets, saline filled syringes and rubber gloves where they lie.
5. Watch Your Mouth!
I know you are in pain, but dropping the F bomb to the triage nurse DOES NOT get you seen by the physician any faster. In fact, it probably warrants a call to Security. Treat the staff with respect, please. We’re the ones taking care of you.
4. EMS=Express Lane?
Not exactly. If you come into the facility in an ambulance, you will still be seen by a triage nurse, who will make the decision where to place you — in an exam room, or in the waiting room, depending on the severity of your condition. Please ‘save’ the ambulances for people who honestly need one.
3. But I Was Here First!!
Sorry. ERs differ from doctors’ offices in a variety of ways. First and foremost, we see people based on their clinical severity, not the time of arrival …. meaning that the man with chest pain, as well as the small child having difficulty breathing will be seen before you. I’m sorry that you’ve had abdominal pain for 3 weeks, and I will get to you as quickly as I can.
2. Pregnancy testing 101
If you are of childbearing age, have missed a period, had sex, and taken 6 home pregnancy tests that were positive, there is an incredibly high likelihood that you are indeed pregnant. Coming to the ER for a pregnancy test is pretty expensive, as compared to EPT costs.
1. Personal hygiene
Daily bathing, while not required to live, should rank pretty high in your life. Kind of like eating and sleeping.
Head over to Mama Kat’s for more Writer’s Workshop. We’re not all this snarky!
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Dianna,
You literally have me laughing as I fall out of the chair. Thanks girl! I needed that. I knew there was more than one reason why I dont want to work ER. The idiots of the world all come there on a daily basis! Keep writing. I think you could write books or have your own show! Thats the ticket, a reality show.
Take care!
Tina
Dianna,
You are so funny and you sure don’t mince your words. Wonder where you got that from???? hmmmmm
I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard the one about the little white pill or in some cases the little yellow pill – it’s for my heart.
Enjoy reading your blog.
Love you.
Granny